harrisonwells | EUDIO: IC INBOX

( well that's. not exactly reassuring. it isn't a long time between barry's last text and him standing in harrison's living room, but it's long enough for his anxiety to get the better of him, useless trains of thought that have him wondering what the issue is. is it -- them, maybe? or something else? he isn't sure. he arrives at one conclusion himself, though, however off base it might be, and when harrison sees him, barry ducks down his neck, rubbing the back of his head nervously. )

Is this about Gwen? I'm sorry. I know it's -- weird. I would've -- if I knew you two were ... I would've ... you know. Said something.

No, it, this is not about Gwen. Although that was. Weird. For a few minutes when she mentioned... [He trails off, because clearly Gwen had mentioned it to Barry and he certainly doesn't look upset about it, which only brings back that brief vision of the three—

Well. He'll be dashing that idea like an empty bottle before a bar fight now.]

It's about Eobard. It—well. It's...it's really about Tess, that's how it started.

[He's thought a lot about how to address this since his conversation with Bruce, and there's no good answer. He's just going to need to be wretchedly honest.]

I've been talking to him. Rarely in person, actually not in person for weeks, but when we're both awake at three in the morning... [Vague gestures to indicate 'who else are they going to talk to?']

( eobard he mentions, and even the name forces barry to stiffen, eyes a little wider, but listening closely. things are serious, when they involve eobard. what has he done, what rule has he broken, how do i fix it how do i fix it ...

there's a physical recoil once harrison gets it out, the brief flickers of yellow anger flashed across green eyes, some upset at the notion. talking to him, eobard, the reverse flash. he would think it was some ploy, maybe, some attempt on harrison's part to obtain data or some insight, but ... his voice is softer, apologetic almost, unhappy.

he mentioned tess. you don't joke about that kind of stuff. )

You're -- ( they aren't beside each other, but barry takes a step backwards anyway, betrayal written across his expression that he tries not to show. tries to be emotionless and strong, and not let another one have control over his feelings. ) -- why? You -- you know what he did to ... to all of us.

( to me, he means, as if that would get harrison to care more. )

[He's already pulling himself back, and it hurts to watch him schooling his expressive face. Harrison isn't Eobard, but he's putting himself in that same category now, isn't he? His voice comes out low and rough, a half-whisper he sinks into that sounds like every word is being dragged rapid-fire out of his heart.]

I know, Barry, I do know, and I swear to you, I would never say a word to him about you, not. Not a word. I haven't, and I'm not going to, I just—

[He scrubs a hand through his hair, rubs the back of his neck, staring at the ceiling, entirely unable to explain why. He doesn't know why it's so difficult to cut off this connection now that he's made it.]

It's going to be ten years this year, and he remembers her, and I know, I know he's the reason she's gone on your Earth, I know, but there are so many...differences...between my Tess and his, the first Wells, I got greedy and I'm still greedy.

( a quivering lip dictates some emotion barry tries not to name but does anyway, heartbreak and ah, he knows this particular variety exceedingly well -- eobard's betrayal, jay's betrayal, eddie choosing iris, always falling second to gwen after cisco ...

he looks away if his eyes feel watery, not wanting harrison to have the privilege of hurting him -- as if it's something noteworthy when everyone, eventually does. his mind is reeling but he listens, searching for any obvious answer that might be better than the reality -- maybe this isn't harrison, maybe it's eobard, maybe it's all a game and when eobard starts laughing cruelly with a vibration in his throat, it'll be relief that barry feels, not agony.

he has no clue who this is, the more he thinks about it. no idea. eobard or harrison -- does it even matter? )

That isn't fair. ( bringing up tess, her death, her murderer who harrison has no problem with discussing her to, apparently. every human emotion eobard feels is exclusively because he's wearing harrison's skin like a puppet. ) You're asking me to be fine with it. Is that it? You want me to tell you oh yeah, that's fine, carry on. What do you expect?

A lot of things aren't fair, Allen. [It comes out before he can stop it, a cold-water dash of the old Harry Wells who had no trouble at all hissing hurtful things at the Flash when his daughter's life was on the line. But nothing else follows it, not yet. It takes a physical effort to keep the distance intact, to stop himself from moving forward, or even reaching out. Barry doesn't want to close the distance.]

No I'm not asking you to be fine with it. I'm telling you because... [He takes a slow breath in, lets it out on a sigh, briefly wonders when—or if—he'll see Barry again after this.]

Because I care about you. Barry. And I know you're not going to believe me, why would you, you see this as a betrayal of you, and of course why wouldn't you, why would my life and my memories before I met you matter, and that's why I was going to keep it a secret from you, but it wouldn't have stayed that way. And you've had enough people lie to you to keep you safe.

No, ( he carries on, stubborn with emotion, eyes welling up so he can't see the space in front of him, let alone harrison's face -- eobard's face, he imagines, an unkind smile that twists and sneers, that enjoys barry allen's tears and waits for blood to follow suit. ) you don't get to manipulate me like him. You care about me? You know what he said to me, when he got here? He said he loves me. ( with a fake laugh, through it. ) You sound exactly like him.

( because what does barry allen want more than to be loved, cared for, taken care of? they know, the two of them, this weakness of his -- he's sure of it, paranoia suddenly settling in that brings him back to who and how he was before, afraid of any persons he gets close to, ready for them to rip off their masks and be hideous on the inside, cruel and evil. not that he thinks harrison is evil, of course, or he really doesn't know what to think -- just that harrison, who he did in fact think cared for him, who he ran to when he was petrified of eobard, was only there with comforting arms and kind words for the moment.

and in the next, he was talking to eobard. 3am mornings, where barry allen sits across town working fruitless equations to get eobard out, because working science is easier than panicking in his bed, scared, unable to sleep with tossing and turning, like when he turns around eobard might be there, with a vibrating hand through barry's chest.

i would never say a word to him about you. he's not sure he can believe that. )

You want to make me feel bad for being upset at you for doing something stupid, and -- and mean. ( childish words, he sniffs, rubbing his wrist on the bottom of his nose. ) Y-you can ... you can think however badly on me you wanna, it doesn't change that you know I'm right. And when Eobard finds it's more convenient for you to be dead, he won't hesitate to kill you and Jesse, and anyone you care about, because that's how he is. You're -- ( a thousand insults, maybe, but he can't really blame harrison. barry fell for his manipulation too, dumber than all the rest. ) I trusted you.

[Harrison doesn't say a word, doesn't even try to interrupt. Doesn't even move. What is there for him to say? Harrison does care about Barry, he wants him to be safe, comfortable, happy, but he knows it doesn't seem like it anymore. And that's his fault.

If he was a good man, he'd apologize. Right now. Tell Barry he'd asked him here because he wanted to confess what he'd done and tell him he was never doing it again. But that's the part that would be a lie. Not right away, he could hold out for a time, distract himself, ignore the texts that arrive at three in the morning. Avoid, avoid, avoid. He could do that for a while.

But he's selfish. And greedy. And it's been a long time, possibly years, since he's had someone he could call a peer. He's not ready to let that go yet. Maybe he should be, if he was a better man maybe he would be, but he's not.]

I know. I don't...want to make you feel anything, Barry, I don't have the right to do that, I don't have the right to expect you to feel one way or another about this, I just want to be honest with you. And if you think that's me manipulating you, then I'm sorry to add that to everything else.

( and that's what barry wants, maybe unfairly, to hear i'm sorry i hurt you and i won't do it again, and it isn't lost on him that it's something harrison doesn't apologize for. the deception, the betrayal. that he thought to tell barry instead of keeping it a secret helps, a bit -- at least now he won't be hopelessly pining for him, won't be reaching to touch him without knowing this other layer added onto their relationship. because it is, even if it doesn't involve barry. everything with eobard involves him, they're the reverses of each other. )

Then you knew it was a choice. ( because, like harry said, a lot of things aren't fair. and barry is feeling particularly cruel, in a way that he will regret later but can't right now, instinct just telling him to hurt this man as much as he hurt him. ) And you chose him.

( the bad guy. the one that can give something barry can't.

barry doesn't think he really believes that, that harrison chose him. but in his head, right now and in this moment, he does. if another representative came to him right now and asked for a new incentive, he'd say i just want to be less lonely. )

I hope you're happy with your decision.

( and then he's gone, in one emotional burst of sorrow and lightning, causing a brief uproar in harrison's house. )

[He still doesn't move, even when the burst of speed disrupts the room in a way Barry is usually more careful to avoid. The papers settle slowly, and when the only sound in the room is his ragged breaths, he pushes off the wall and collects a bottle and a glass on his way out the back door to the beach.

He leaves his phone inside. On silent. There's no one he wants to talk to right now.]

EUDIO: IC INBOX

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